Poetry

by Forest J. Handford

I contemplate my phone's reception.
Did he hang up on me?
What I want and what I need have a vast canyon between them.
They like me they do.
The need is unfulfilled.
The eagerness misplaced.
Energy lost can never be regained.
Oil burns until it's lost forever.
A chemical reaction cannot be undone.
His lips have a promise that can never be fulfilled.
Suffering is a path to learning.
I cannot pass back behind the line for I am so far-gone.
Now I've even lost his friendship.
The need is lost for the want was expressed.

I don't want to be numb,
...but I am.
I want to cry,
...but I can't.
I don't want to be alone,
...but I always am.

I want to fix you.
I see you hurt.
You let your feelings show through to me.
What hurt you?
Was it a person?
Can it be fixed?
Can you be fixed?
If I fixed you would you still be you?
Would you hate me for fixing you?

I am an eagle.
I soar as high as I want,
I live alone,
I have nobody I must care for,
Nobody but me shall care for me.

As an eagle I've found myself getting lonely.
I wonder what I'm missing without friends.
Perhaps it would be nice to take care of others.
It would be so nice to be needed . . . to be wanted.

I see the elephants below me.
They live and work together.
They need each other.
I want to be an elephant.

I am an elephant.
I travel in a pack.
I protect my pack from predators as they protect me.
I care more for my pack than anything else.

As an elephant I am saddened by my packmates' lack of loyalty.
I'm hurt by how quickly they will turn on me.
Are we elephants or are we lions by turning on our own weak?
I always took care of me and mine but never let them take care of me.
I want to be alone . . . to be detached.

I see the eagle above me.
He is free.
He is alone.
I want to be an eagle.

She dances with a a child-like innocence.
Her dance, however, has un-child-like grace.
She explores the music through her movement.
Her peers struggle to find the beat.

A part of me wants to capture her beauty.
Can't there be a way to immortalize her?
My memory does capture her.
Her dance will live in me as long as I live.

They love her because they mistake her love with lust.
She has a magic about her that draws them to her.
I pity those who can't accept her without claiming her.
Which means I pity how I once was.

Music is my lover,
the dance floor our bed.
We make love for hours.
I close my eyes vaguely aware that we aren't alone.

The venues are our fair weather friends.
Sometimes they betray us by what they play.
Sometimes their caretakers betray us with their complaints.
It's you I come for,
to dance with you.
I'd be with you every night if I could.

I keep you with me,
even away from the dance floor.
You're with me in the car.
Your gentle touch reaches out to me from the computer.

Like you I'm not a jealous lover.
Let the youth have their fun.
Some won't be there for you forever.
Their interest in you will die like it does in all other things.

I kept expecting to be woken,
To be shaken from the dream,
Awaking to the nightmare of life.

Your innocence of spirit defies reality,
How can you be more than a dream,
How could such beauty exist?
How could such beauty have found its way to me?

I pinched myself so I might wake,
I proclaimed the impossibility of your existence,
yet . . . we remained.

Before you I knew naught but pain,
My life a mere exercise in survival,
I improved upon my stamina as if to be a tank.

That sound that followed me throughout life has stopped,
Perhaps it is merely a pause,
Perhaps it will return when I next wake.

It took me forever to realize what that sound was,
I had not even noticed it until it so abruptly ceased,
Now I fear it's return.

It was a dull aching scream,
The sound was filled with anguish,
And now that my vocal chords have healed I truly know that scream was my own.

You've found something inside me I never knew I had,
You've unlocked the cage that surrounds my heart,
You've brought about change.

It's now I see how petty so much of my life is,
The words I use to inspire finally have meaning to me,
And so I hope to shed that layer of self-dilussion.

How bleak is a day,
When a Formorian rules?
How bright would it be,
If the city were free?

She was called the White Hag.
Ruler of evil,
Murderess of Doyle.

For Doyle I went.
Doyle was nobel in life,
Even if not in title,
A hero to many.

When we first met he saved a childling,
Now he is dead,
His death needed to be avenged.

The Hag brought a storm of lightning,
But our forces could brave whatever weather she created.
Her wolves brought rabies,
Our forces were prepared with vaccines.

The wolves differed in breath,
Some breathed fire,
Some expelled acid,
Still others breathed ice.

Tried as I might,
My magic could not a-wolf light,
I did what I could,
But fled so as not to join her list of kills.

The fae prevailed,
The balefires were lit,
The Hag fell out of the dreaming,
Her own weapon used against her.

In the autumn world the battle continued,
Her magic faltered,
Finally she fell,
Her head seperated from it's body.

Concordia prevails,
The dreaming has choosen,
We will not be slaves to any Formorian!

8/26/04
Redemption

The darkness is revealed and our future unsure,
The time for heroes has returned.
Pure in their hearts as well as their souls,
We must face the demons who have sprung from their holes.

Do we trust our nocturnal neighbors,
Or do we strike our own destiny?
Their powers are immense,
but our numbers can prevail.

The death count has risen,
Who stands to fight the killers?
The One Giver's silence is a sign to all,
We have ignored our duty to ourselves.

A time of reckoning is upon us,
We must shun the sweet words of the betrayer.
Our lives may be forfeit but our freedom remains,
Choose to follow your spirit and redeem your soul.

7/22/04
Dee

Her kisses devine.
Her body is a sweet elegance in Satyr form.
In human form she is a burst of beauty.
Enrapt from her intellegent discourse,
My heart swells to epic extent.
Miles away from her I must despare.

She is a chef of the extradinaire,
Her perfections of food entice you to taste.
Dee's exquisite scent cancels all haste.
Such a wonderful woman could never be replaced.
Such a perfect pleasure to have her warm embrace.

5/27/04
Lost

Drown out the pain,
Drown out the sorrow.
It’s a scream in the dark,
A howl at the moon.
The emotion overwhelms leaving me lost.
Lost at sea,
Lost on the highway,
Lost at home.
I can’t have what I need,
I can’t need what I have.
Alone in the dark,
Alone in the sorrow.
The compass was crushed,
The map was burned.
I can’t find what I want,
It’s as beyond me as man is from mars.
I had it once,
It was there in the light.
I held it in my hand like a trophy.
It didn’t stop the search,
It was no trophy.
It was a beginning and I need an end.
But now that it’s gone my sight has returned.
It was what I sought, it was the end.

4/22/04
Stepfather

He's not my father,
At best he's a pretender.
At worst he's a thief,
My family is his favored victim.

At best he's a pretender,
Telling her lies of love.
At worst he's a thief,
Stealing her heart with deceit.

Telling her lies of love,
Only she believes his awful words.
Stealing her heart with deceit,
He makes me wish I wasn't so weak!

Only she believes his awful words,
He and I know the truth.
He makes me wish I wasn't so weak,
I could have revenge with his defeat.

He and I know the truth,
He's not my father.
At worst he's a thief,
My family is his favored victim..

The Unknown Beauty

I saw her gracefulness.
I saw her style.
She saw my selfishness.
She saw my smile.

I wished she would talk.
She wished I would walk.
I played the fool and stayed the night.
She played the innocent and avoided my sight.

Still the next day,
She refused to play.
Still the next day,
I tried not to obey.

To this day we still haven't met,
To this day I still look her way.
The path to this day I'll not forget.
The path to her heart is still hidden away.

3/31/04
My Love

I’ve never known anybody like you.
My life didn’t really begin until the day I met you.
You make life worth living.
I’d throw any life away just to be with you,
I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes.
I’d follow you to the ends of the earth just to hear your voice once a day.
I’d fly to mars just to see your beautiful face.
I love you.
When I enter a room that you’re not in,
I’m disappointed because at that instant I’m truly alone,
Even if the room is filled with all my friends and family.
I can’t imagine growing old with anybody but you.
I can’t imagine having children with anybody but you.

People

The people who should like me the least are the ones who like me the most.
Its not that I haven't tried,
Its not that I haven't lied,
It’s that most people want what they don't have,
It’s that most people aren’t happy with what they do have.
Is there a way to win or am I destined to fail?
It never matters because I’ll survive.
Destiny will die and I will thrive.
I will survive and I will thrive.

3/25/04
The Saddest of Cycles

Father will you play?
No son, I'm too busy.
Father will you stay?
No son, I'm too busy.

Son, will you play?
...
Son will you stay?
...

Son will you play?
No father, I'm too busy.
Son will you stay?
No father, I'm too busy.

I'm Without

Always so empty,
Always so cold,
I must have it back now,
Before I grow old.

Life was perfect:
When I was afraid to go,
When I was afraid to see,
When I was afraid to experience.

Always so empty,
Always so cold,
I must have it back now,
Before I grow old.

Life is perfect:
When I go,
When I see,
When I experience.

Always so empty,
Always so cold,
I must have it back now,
Before I grow old.

Life became ironically depressing:
Now that I've gone,
Now that I've seen,
Now that I've experienced.

Always so empty,
Always so cold,
I must have it back now,
Before I grow old.